Rating the 2012 Super Bowl Ads

I’ve always wanted to do a Live Blog for a sporting event; but the timing has never been particularly good. Bill Simmons (who writes for ESPN) does this pretty often; and he’s always spot on with his observations.

I decided for my Super Bowl get-together that I would, in fact, do some blogging on the commercials. A total of five of us assembled to watch the game, the entertainment and the commercials. What follows is a grading of all the commercials (not including network commercials, necessarily), as well as an assortment of miscellaneous comments that were shouted out during the game by the various attendees.

My criteria for rating the commercials are pretty simple. To be successful, the commercial has to either be funny or cathartic/heart-warming (depending on its intent) *AND* the concept has to match the product, on some level (even loosely).

For those who didn’t see the game, you can actually check out the commercials (in basically the same order I’ve reviewed them) at this website.

So, with that, here goes.

The first thing we see is Faith Hill (“she’s ridiculously skinny for someone with three kids”) strutting her stuff to Joan Jett’s “I Hate Myself for Loving You” – once again continuing the NFL’s decade-long effort to stop time (see: The Who, Bruce Springsteen, Tom Petty, The Rolling Stones, Paul McCartney). I think I always knew this, but I’ve come to realize that I *hate* when song lyrics are rewritten to fit an event, just so the familiar tune can be played.

It’s not looking good for tonight.

#1: Hyundai Elantra. I like Hyundai. I drive a Hyundai. But, really, if you’re going to be the first commercial after the pre-game show starts, you absolutely have to rock it. Showing a non-sports car driving up and down the road, doesn’t cut it:   D

#2: GE: The first of several “GE is more than just a company; there’s real people working here” spots. These are better fits for the State of the Union Address … or the 4^th Quarter of a blowout. Not here:   F

#3: Kraft (“Boo Kraft” says the General Mills rep. “They’ve done more to promote one product than any other company.”) The commercial is forgettable. Yes, it’s a sassy, precocious young girl; been there, done that:   D

#4: We Play For You (The NFL Commercial) – Yes, it’s cute to see NFL players singing “Wind Beneath My Wings.” The whole thing is a little hokey, however. The best part is Jared Allen screaming “Nailed It!” at the end (“He’s such a hick!” says my friend from Minnesota):   C

#5: Will Arnett in the first of two Hulu Plus commercials. Once again, the commercial doesn’t do a lot to even explain the product. Arnett is usually funny; this commercial isn’t particularly.:   D

#6: Geico A bunch of teenage girls follow a man around while he tries to lose weight. Not particularly funny – although, at least they did tie it back to the product (“there’s an easier way to save”) – even still; will anyone be talking about this a year from now? A month from now?:   D

#7: Gilette Fusion ProGlyde Styler, featuring an A-List celeb (Adrien Brody); a B-List celeb (Andre 3000) and someone who’s still trying to make the C-List (Gael Garcia Bernal). Sure – I get it; use this razor, look like the celebs. Absolutely nothing new/amazing here:   D

#8: Pizza Hut. Interestingly, this was the submission by the winner of a contest to make a commercial that would be shown at the Super Bowl. I applaud the creativity. If it’s any consolation, he scored about the same as most of the higher-priced Madison Avenue advertising agencies:   D

#9: Movie – Safe House. Movies have it tough. If the movie is going to be great, the trailer is great, the commercial is great. There’s no way to do anything than spotlight/preview the movie here. Fortunately, Safe House looks decent:   C

We haven’t even gotten to the National Anthem, and already, the commercials are a fairly big disappointment. If this is the BEST; there’s not a lot of hope.

Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton sing “God Bless America” and they sound awful together. Clearly love doesn’t exactly make the joined harmony of their voices sound palatable to anyone. It’s just an odd pairing – perhaps next year they’ll get Geddy Lee and Harry Connick Jr. to pair up.

(At this point, as the camera pans across the Giants, I hear from my right, “How come Tom Coughlin always looks like he’s ready to kick a kitten through a fan?” No one knows … no one knows.)

Kelly Clarkson (or, someone they tell us is Kelly Clarkson) sings the National Anthem. Apparently, in an effort to fit in with the musical acts from the past decade, Clarkson has opted for a wardrobe and appearance that makes her look like she’s in her late 40s.

#10: Movie - The Dictator. Again, I’m not a huge fan of Sacha Baron Cohen. I find a little of his stuff funny; but not everything. This movie looks “wait for video”-ish:   D

#11: Droid Razr. I’m a big fan of the Android system. I love my phone. I might even get a Razr. But, when are phone manufacturers (especially smartphone manufacturers) going to realize that there’s more people look for than the color and the thickness?:   D

#12: Old Navy. I’ll admit, I thought this commercial was legitimate. I actually raised my rating a little bit when I saw that it was a spoof. The concept of Corporado Wear was hysterical; and I was glad when I saw it was intended as a joke:   D-, first/ C+

#13: McDonalds Charities. I don’t know how it could be anything but high-rated. You can’t show a picture of sick children being saved by a charity and expect it not resonate. “I’d just be an evil human to even think about saying anything funny about that commercial.”:   B

#14: Another Hyundai spot – another commercial showing a car driving on a road. I get that that’s what cars do; but I don’t know that commercials have to only show that. There’s clearly an opportunity for humor in a commercial (hell, for years, Budweiser was absolutely genius at bringing humor into a product that’s not really known for being “funny.”):   D

#15: Hyundai’s “Rocky” spot, where real employees from a Birmingham, Ala. plant try to inspire a designer to “find a way” while humming/singing “Gonna Fly Now.” Yes, it’s one of the best so far – that’s not necessarily good news. Clearly, Hyundai and GE hired the same creative consultant (“Real people – it’ll sell, and you’ll save a ton of money on talent!”):   C

FIRST QUARTER

#16: Bud Platinum. This was a great opportunity for Bud – the FIRST commercial after kickoff. Instead, they turned it into a science fair project – worse yet, it doesn’t even appear appetizing (“It looks like a Zima!”):   D

#17: Audi pokes fun at the Twilight/Vampire genre, with a ~funny~ (I snickered) spot, where one vampire heading to a party, inadvertently shows up with his headlights still on; and each vampire is vaporized. Too bad they couldn’t get Larry David for the spot (who couldn’t see this on an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm meets Twilight? Was it effective? Somewhat (we’ll remember it) – but, will we remember it for the right reasons? “The entire premise for the car is to promote how bright the headlights are?”:   B+

#18: Pepsi’s hyped spot including Elton John and Melanie Amaro, the winner of the X-Factor. The commercial, while glitzy, was completely unremarkable – there was no point to the dialogue/interaction. While it started as a C-, it got bumped to a C+ due to the cameo by Flava Flav at the end.

#19: Hyundai Velostar. This ad got a lot of love, due to the Cheetah; but I thought it was just average. Nothing remarkable. Maybe I was just suffering from automobile advertising saturation:   D

#20: Bud Light Platinum – a second opportunity; a second failure. Granted, I’m not the target audience, but if you’re putting out an ad on the world’s largest stage, why would you do anything that wasn’t completely amazing? And, who thought this was?:   D

#21: M&Ms Dancing Naked – the first “success” of the game. We were laughing so hard we nearly missed the last punchline. Did it have much to do with M&Ms? No – but personification is always pretty funny. This one gets a thumbs-up:   A-

#22: Best Buy. Best Buy sells phones. Great. If you didn’t know this before this commercial – you got something out of it. Otherwise:   C+

#23: Coke – the iconic, omnipresent polar bears make their first appearance of the game. Here, one of the bears is keeping his fingers/arms/toes, etc. crossed, hoping his team wins; making it impossible to drink his coke. His partner comes up with a solution. Is it life-changing? No. Is it cute? Yes:   B-

#24: Chevy’s Silverado survives the apocalypse (which, surprisingly, isn’t *started* by Barry Manilow; but his song celebrates the survivors – I would’ve gotten that wrong, if there was a bet). It was a cute spot; with some digs towards competitors (“Dave didn’t make it … he drove a Ford):   C-

#25: Bridgestone had two sports-related spots (again, these worked decently – good commercials can tangentially relate to the product and still succeed). This was the football one (where the football behaves almost like a frisbee …) Plus, it has Michelle Beadle in it – that automatically qualifies it for a   B-

#26: Go Daddy – for years, Go Daddy has tried to push the envelope, alluding to “unrated content” on its website; and steering just clear of the censors. It’s time for something new. These commercials don’t even relate tangentially:   D

#27: Lexus – certainly, part of my disinterest is that I’m not the target audience. I don’t view cars as the be-all/end-all of status; nor do I worry about them that much. Their function is to get me from Point A to Point B – and that’s all. But, there has to be more than simply showing a car driving on a road (or, in this case, driving out of a ‘metal shed’ for about 20 feet, before coming to a halt. As much as the Audi commercial may have featured the wrong thing; I’ll still remember it longer:   D

#28: Movie – Battleship. If you needed a hint that Hollywood has run out of ideas; look no further than this. We’re making movies based on board games now? (Even more scary – someone just picked up the rights to “Candy Land.” Ugh.:   D-

SECOND QUARTER

#29: Budweiser. While it’s not funny, this commercial does tug at the heartstrings a little. It’s not as iconic as the Post-911 commercial (which, to my chagrin, they re-released this past year; it was more meaningful when it really had run *just once.*). But, there’s always something majestic about the Clydesdales:   C

#30: Doritos – I’m a fan of dark humor; and this one has it in spades. The look on the dog’s face while he’s bribing the owner, is fantastic. We all laughed heartily (and, this may have been our favorite commercial, collectively):   A

#31: The Chevy Happy Grad ad – the ad is fairly cute (and, kudos to a car company for trying something other than “here’s the car driving…”). I don’t know that it will win any awards, and it probably suffered from following the great Doritos commercial:   C+

#32: GE Turbine factory – GE continues to showcase its talent in spots that are too slow-moving and lethargic for the Super Bowl. Here, they try to “cool up” their talent, “No, we don’t make the beer; we make the machines that make the beer…” Sadly, this isn’t even the last one of the game:   D

#33: Movie – John Carter. Looks interesting and impressive. Maybe one of the better action films I’ve seen a trailer for (by the way – how on earth did “The Hunger Games” not ante up for a spot at the Super Bowl? Big miss…). I’ll see this, and the commercial gets a   B+

#34: Tax Act. I get the metaphor (the relief from urinating is akin to getting a nice tax refund … ummm … maybe I don’t). “I’ve gone to the bathroom in five of the places he decided to pass by.” “He’s smiling [at the end, in the pool] but he’s still sitting in a pool in his own pee.”:   C+

#35: Movie – The Lorax. The Lorax may be one of my favorite Dr. Seuss books; and I’ve been looking forward to the movie. The trailer didn’t convince me not to see it; but, in all honesty, I don’t know that the trailer would’ve convinced me to see it:   C

#36: Finally, a great car commercial. Volkswagen puts out a commercial showing a dog, bummed out by weight; that gets on a program, and drops the pounds. It’s another “classic” from this year’s crop:   A-

#37: H&M – I’m pretty sure the advertisers know that most football fans are males. Yes, I know women are the largest growing sector; but that’s probably due to the fact that there’s not as much opportunity to grow the male sector. In any event; there’s probably better visuals for ads than subjecting men to stare at David Beckham’s junk for 30 seconds:   D-

#38: Coke – one of the cuter polar bear commercials. He navigates through a host of other bears trying to get a handle on the bottle before he drops it. Good for a smirk; maybe a giggle:   B+

#39: Chevy Sonic – the stunt car commercial. I’m reminded when I was in college; I took a summer job selling expensive cutlery/knives. There were a bunch of demos we did as part of the sales process – cut bread super-thin; cut leather; cut a penny in half. But, in the end, my customers would never have the occasion (or reason) to do that; and I made no sales. I’m wondering whom the Chevy people think are going to drop a car from an airplane or do a mid-air flip with their car? Does knowing the car CAN do that really increase sales? I’d almost rather stare at David Beckham’s junk:   D-

#40: Movie - Star Wars 3D – The movies were iconic; this trailer doesn’t do anything to improve upon that. Therefore, it effectively fails:   D

#41: Movie – The Avengers. While I worry that we may be reaching saturation with the number of superhero movies; this one looks pretty damned cool. I like many of the characters here. One can only hope the movie delivers on the promise of the trailer:   C+

#42: Teleflora – the anti-Beckham ad. Show a lingerie model for 30 seconds. Instant win:   B+

#43: Pugs are cute. Pugs outracing a pack of greyhounds and whippets is pretty cool. A pug that celebrates by moonwalking over the finish line is memorable. Skechers hits a ground-rule double here (see how I mix the metaphors; using a baseball metaphor to describe an ad at a football game?):   B-

#44: Cars.com – the customer has a ‘head’ pop out of his neck; his “confidence” – definitely more creepy than cute or effective. But, it’s memorable (even if I can’t remember the song; I may just remember, “hey, which company thought it was a good idea to put out an ad showing a second head? Oh, that’s right – cars.com” – if that’s what they were going for; they nailed it. Somehow, I don’t think so:   C-

#45: The second Doritos ad, and they’re two for two. This one shows the bratty kid showing off to his grandmother and sibling, how he has the Doritos, and they don’t. She sets up a slingshot and sends the infant sibling hurtling towards the bratty kid to grab the bag. Obvious and there’s no surprise; but it’s still cute:   B+

#46: Yeah, the E*Trade baby is old (almost approaching the “Wazzzzup” from Budweiser a few years back); but at least they always find something fresh to add in. Here, while the “speed-dating” remark had very little to do with investments (unlike previous punchlines); it’s still successful (and, let’s face it – they’re happy with people remembering nothing more than “hey, we’re the company with a talking baby!”):   B+

#47: Movie – GI Joe. Does Hollywood have any original ideas anymore? Could there be a movie that is generated from nothing more than a screenwriter’s imagination; and not leveraged against cartoons, characters or board games?:   C-

#48: NFL: Play like a Millionaire. Sometimes, sports leagues come up with awesome campaigns (The NBA … it’s FANtastic!). Sometimes, they put out stuff like this:   D-

#49: We see the first of our Ford/Mustang commercials (“Ooh, wow, a car driving along the road; awesome!”) and – at the end, the window rolls down and a too-cool Derek Jeter is driving. That’s all he does. I *despise* commercials that are nothing more than a celebrity making a cameo, for no reason other than they’re celebrities. This one gets:   F

#51: Another Hulu Plus ad with Will Arnett; another ad that I basically turned off after a few seconds. This did not impress me, again. Not funny; not memorable; not effective. If I didn’t know what Hulu was, this didn’t enlighten me:  C-

HALFTIME

#52: LMFAO head to the Halftime bar to play halftime at the Super Bowl in this Bud Light commercial. It’s kind of a riff on the scene from The Blues Brothers when they show up at the bar (“We have both kinds of music here – country AND western!”):   C-

Madonna performs at halftime, and there’s been a lot written about that performance – from her lipsynching; to the rapper that flipped the bird and cursed, to the ‘tightrope/slackrope walker” that basically looks as though Richard Simmons and Will Ferrell had a love child:

#53: The Voice – I know I said I wouldn’t review network commercials; but this was a little more than a network commercial. It had a great premise (the life-like comic strip); Adam Levine gets punched in the face; and Betty White appears. Betty White is in better shape at 90 than I am:   B-

#54: Chrysler’s now famous Clint Eastwood commercial. Yes, it’s inspirational; and it was a great time for it (it HAD to happen at halftime; anywhere else, and it would’ve been glossed over). “I feel like invading a country right now!”:   B+

THIRD QUARTER

#55: BMW shows off a new feature (heated steering wheel) and all the passengers huddle around the driver. In what’s becoming a common thread, the commercial is cute, smirky, but not amazing:   C+

#56: Drew Brees’ kid kicks a football through a window, and he uses his Chase online banking to pay the victim immediately. “Drew Brees doesn’t live in any house that close to the street; maybe his servants may live there; but he doesn’t.”:   C

#57: Another Derek Jeter/Ford commercial. Why do we care?:   D-

#58: Fiat Avalon – yeah, it’s cute – a hot woman; and the joke at the end is okay, but maybe we’re getting desensitized. It’s not really all that amazing of a commercial; but, it’s still better than the Hyundai commercials (there’s been a LOT of car commercials this year, right?):   C

#59: The Coke Zero driver is the winner of a Pepsi Max contest and he’s embarrassed. This is still the runoff from the first commercial a few years ago, when the Coke and Pepsi driver meet in the bar, form a friendship, then fight. It’s my favorite soft drink (Pepsi Max) – but, I think they need a new concept:   C-

#60: The Toyota Camry shows how things are being “reinvented” – by the way, if I can put in a request for the fat-shedding rain, I’d be delighted. It’s cute and it’s definitely not the “car on the road” that has become standards. It’s not amazing though, and I wonder whether anyone will remember to tie “Toyota” to the various innovations/fantasies they show here:   C-

#61: The final Coke commercial with the polar bears. The one polar bear sneaks out to get a coke, but there’s none left. This is the weakest of the commercials – last year (or the year before), Coke had some amazingly innovative commercials. I could go with one, maybe two polar bear commercials; but they needed something else to mix it up:   C

#62: John Stamos gets head butted. That makes the Oikos yogurt commercial worth it. Definitely a hit, and one that will be memorable:   A-

#63: Century 21 uses Deion Sanders, Donald Trump and Apollo Ohno in a commercial. I’ve already covered how I feel about celebrities in commercials with no real relation to the product:   D

#64: The Seinfeld Acura ad (arguably the second-most hyped ad before the actual game). Definitely a good commercial – 10 years ago, we would be raving about it; but now, commercials need to be more than “good.” I would’ve liked to have seen some more “Seinfeld” references, but that may have been expecting too much:   B+

#64: GE puts out another human-interest commercial. One of the voices says they were happy to be working for GE, after they had been laid off by their previous company. “Yes, I’m thankful to have the chance to do monotonous grunt work all day” says one of my guests. In related news, we’re all going straight to hell:   D

#65: Budweiser creates a “history of music” commercial, using The Cult’s “She Sells Sanctuary” and setting it to an assortment of tempos and genres. Dancers interpret the song, and it’s a good, enjoyable commercial – not sure what it has to do with beer, though:   C

#66: Bridgestone’s second commercial is the “quiet” basketball. Michelle Beadle is in this one too (along with a few other athletes, including Steve Nash). The relate the ad back to the product (even loosely), and, although it’ll not be remembered forever (like the great ads), it’s still solid (and helped by the lack of any other tire-company ads):   B-

#67: Here, we have a commercial from a sports league done right. The “evolution” of the NFL is a great commercial; heartwarming, inspiring, and a treat for fans. This is the kind of commercial that makes new fans – the stories and legends and history of a sport can be powerful, emotional triggers:   A-

#68: Ricky Gervais and a few other celebrities endorse Time Warner Cable in a fairly entertaining spot. Yes, this is celebs again; but Ricky is doing more than simply showing up, flashing his face and getting paid:   C

#69: And, here’s my pal Derek Jeter, again, in the same Ford/Mustang commercial. The rating hasn’t changed:   F

FOURTH QUARTER

#70: Easily the most hyped ad before the Super Bowl (and, frustratingly, the poster child for the argument of whether ads should be released before the game). Matthew Broderick/Ferris Bueller’s character tools around town all day in a Honda CR-V, while he skips work. The commercial pays homage to the movie and contains a plethora of ‘easter eggs’ (many other blogs have dissected just this one commercial):   A

#71: Movie - Art of Valor. It’s real people – that’s pretty cool; but the trailer isn’t very engaging or interesting:   C

#72: Met Life puts out a commercial that rounds up all the cartoon characters they have as mascots or are affiliated with Met Life in any way (beyond just Snoopy). I find myself wondering why:   C-

#73: Hyundai puts out a funny commercial (At last!) Clearly, everyone was waiting for the end of the game (and, thankfully, it was a close one, for the advertisers’ sakes) to put out their star commercials. This one shows the driver using the speed up/brake/speed up/brake technique as a form of CPR to revive his passenger (in a funny manner – not intended to be serious or traumatic):   B

#74: The Budweiser rescue dog – WeGo, a dog rescued from a shelter that can retriever Budweiser on command. The dog is put in several hysterical positions during the commercial; and, at the end, Budweiser touts its commitment to rescuing dogs. Fantastic execution. “First it entertained; then it endeared!”:   A

#75: Motley Crue shows up in a Kia ad that starts when “Mr Sandman” accidentally trips and basically puts his target into a sleep coma. It’s hard to find fault in a commercial that understands its viewing audience:   B+

#76: CareerBuilder continues using the Monkeys, and they’re always funny (and, much like the Gecko for Geico, they’ve become synonymous – it doesn’t matter whether they relate to the product; the branding has been so successful that they ARE the product now):   A-

#77: Samsung Galaxy. I know this commercial has gotten ridiculed; but it does two great things: Makes fun of Apple (always worth a few points) and gets recording artist The Darkness into the commercial. The song – I Believe in a Thing Called Love – is one of my favorite ‘rock’ songs from the past few years (I even downloaded it for Rock Band as soon as it came out):   A

#78: Cadillac makes an appearance and brings an end to the innovative car commercials – it’s another commercial of a car on a road – big deal. Still, I can’t complain. The fourth quarter has been the best so far, and we just had a run of FIVE STRAIGHT good to awesome commercials:   D

#79: The last commercial of the Super Bowl proper is yet another Go Daddy ad. This one, touting the Internet Cloud. Again, the schtick has gotten old. Go Daddy’s ads, once controversial and intriguing, now just look tired and desperate. It’s time to reinvent:   C-

For those of you keeping score at home, the average of these 79 commercials is exactly a “C” (which is as it should be). I didn’t actually track the scores during the game (I rated each one on the spot; but I didn’t track the scores to ensure the average would be the average). To me, the fact that average is a C just proves the validity of the ratings.

What commercials did you enjoy? Which did you hate?