Daddy Isn’t So Good With the Onesies

So, many of you know that my wife and I finally had our dreams realized with the adoption of our son, Nicolo Alessandro. Things happened extremely quickly and – especially after the events of this past February (a post on that will follow) – we kept things quiet until the end.

But, now that things have progressed well, I thought I’d provide some insights into how everything happened and how things have evolved since then!

We began working with the birthmother about 3-3.5 weeks before the birth. She had actually been working with another couple, who found themselves unable to continue the process due to some life changes. We share the same adoption consultant and attorney as the other couple and our consultant (Geri Scher) immediately thought of us, and arranged a conversation between us and the birthmom.

She was extremely nice and easygoing – quite the change from our previous experience! Of course, the one concern we had was that her projected birthdate (late September) would put her in direct conflict with my sister’s wedding on October 2. And, the birthmom was in Indiana – not exactly easy commuting (as we would discover).

She was visiting her OB/GYN every few days, as they narrowed down the due date. He first thought he would induce labor on September 30 (which we thought was not a great idea – because of the impending wedding), then, he changed his mind and moved it to October 7 (much better) and then, forward again to October 4 (also good).

On Thursday, September 29, she visited him again, and he told her, “You’re nowhere near ready – we’ll just reevaluate next week” and there were no plans for inducing.

On Saturday, October 1, we had a slew of errands to run. I needed to get my brakes repaired on my vehicle, since I knew the trip to Indiana was pending. We also had a few other preparatory tasks to accomplish.

Around 9:30am, the birthmother called us, to tell us she thought she was in labor. My wife (a nurse) talked with her for about two hours, trying to determine if it was true labor or something else. Around 11:30am, she finally convinced her to call an ambulance.

The ambulance arrived at 11:40am; she got to the hospital at 11:50am; and she delivered the baby at 12:16pm.

Then, she called my wife at 12:27pm, to tell her she was heading home! My wife convinced her to stick around for a while and avail herself of the medical attention she probably needed.

Of course, this was completely unexpected for my wife and me. We moved into high gear – we hadn’t packed yet (we threw things into suitcases; I – of course – overestimated how much free time I’d have); we needed to set up care for our dog (my sister would watch her; but we still needed to transport her first); and then we had the small matter of the fact that my car was in the shop. And, we had to tell my sister that we wouldn't be at her wedding -- good times all around!

Things work out; they always do; and we were on the road by 4:30pm. We drove straight through the night; finally arriving in Indiana at 9:20am the following morning. Made a stop at WalMart to pick up some amenities for the birthmother (who had been transported to the hospital in a nightgown) and then, we were on our way to the hospital.

We showed up – tired, unshowered and looking like we’d just driven 17 hours. Somehow, they still entrusted the child to us! He was actually waiting at the front area of the nursery.

I can’t even do the nursing staff justice. Their efforts to ensure our comfort were exceptional. We were treated as well as I’ve ever been treated in a hospital (which is saying something, considering my wife is very nearly the mayor at the hospital where she works).

Of course, adoption is truly a bureaucratic process. Every agency in each state has its hands out to get its $250 in fees for the adoption. This also means you have to stick around for a few days after the baby is released from the hospital before you’re allowed to leave the state.

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First, some insights about where we were staying. Frankfort, Indiana is never going to be confused for New York City. The first night we were there, we wanted to go out to get something to eat (remember, we’d been up since 8am the day before; with no sleep; and no real food). We also knew it would be the last night we’d be without a child, providing us with the opportunity to go somewhere “nice” to eat.

I headed down to the front desk at the Holiday Inn Express, where we were staying (the *only* hotel in Frankfort, for the record).

“Hi, my wife and I were looking to head out for dinner; do you have any recommendations?”

“Sure, are you looking to eat out; or bring food in?”

“We’re probably looking to eat out – it’ll be the last night we can do that easily.”

“Oh, well, you’re in luck; we have an Applebees right in town!”

“Hmmm… Well, Applebees is good; but I have those at home; anything else?”

Dumbfounded look.

So, off to Applebees we went.

The next night, with Nicolo in the room, we wanted to bring food in. I went back to the front desk.

“So, my wife and I were interested in recommendations again; we’re looking to bring food in tonight.”

“Fantastic, Sir – what are you looking to have?”

“Well, we’re actually in the mood for Italian.”

“Great, we have lots of excellent pizza places – 3Ds Pizza, Arni’s Pizza; Pizza King…”

“Are these ‘pizzerias’? or do they serve dinners, as well?”

“Well, they have sandwiches, too!”

“But, do they have dinners?”

“What do you mean?”

“So, say I wanted a nice chicken parmigiana with ziti or penne?”

“Oh [extended pause] … Well, we have an Applebees!”

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So, once we were able to leave Frankfort (after I drove the birthmom to court, to officially rescind her rights), we did. Tuesday night, we headed to Indianapolis, where we had made reservations at an Extended Stay (as we had, erroneously, thought we’d be room-bound, cooking meals, etc.).

We checked in and checked out as quickly as we could. While the hotel was old (understandable), it also just stank of transience. It would not have surprised me to find a dead body in the closet.

Thankfully, the manager was exceptional and worked with another facility in Indianapolis to not only get us a room; but also to get us one at the same rate. We checked in to the Homewood Suites and experienced – again – some of the nicest people (then again, people love babies; and they REALLY love people who adopt babies…).

We ended up doing nearly no cooking in the room (aside from toasting English muffins each morning) (although, thankfully, the suites were still cheaper than a normal hotel room). By Thursday morning, we’d already received notice from the attorney in Indiana that Indiana had signed off on our paperwork – all that was left was New York’s approval. Feeling pretty confident about things, we headed to the Indianapolis Zoo Thursday afternoon.

While at the zoo, around 3:15pm, we get a call from our attorney. He asked where we were (and, after we said, “Um, Indiana”, he asked, more specifically, where.) We told him we were at the zoo. He then asked if we had a fax machine handy (huh?), and that there was ONE more piece of paper left to be filled out. And, if we could get it signed (oh, and NOTARIZED (double huh?)) by 4pm, we could leave.

Thanks for all the advance warning.

We finally made arrangements to have it faxed to the Indiana attorney’s office; and we hauled ass to get there (on the complete opposite side of Indianapolis). We got there by 3:55; but the faxed, notarized copy did not get back to NY until 4:01, and – as such – they wouldn’t approve it.

Making matters worse, in speaking with the Indiana attorney, the form was something that should have been completed *months* ago. Both attorneys told us we were *probably* okay to leave (but, when I asked my attorney to provide something in writing, he declined; and said, if we did leave and were ‘caught’, he’d deny ever telling us we could leave – classy).

We went back to the hotel and did some research on ‘leaving before actually receiving permission’ (even though both attorneys stated that permission *would* be granted; the form was something silly that referenced how we knew, entering into an adoption, there were no guarantees – something that was also moot, now that the birthmother had stood before a judge). We elected to wait, and so – rather than leaving at 4am Friday morning (and arriving home at a reasonable hour); we had to wait to leave until nearly 10:30am (after hearing from our attorney), and arrived home at 3am, Saturday.

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So far, there hasn’t been an enormous change to my life – admittedly, my wife has handled 90 percent of the caregiving. We did have two baby showers this past weekend; which resulted in most of my house looking like a Babies R Us warehouse.

I have changed diapers, though; and tried to dress him. Some clothes are easy – others (like the afore-mentioned ‘onesies’) are just debilitating. It’s sobering to try to squeeze his head through the onesie, only to have him look at me with a face that says, “Good God, I hope I make it to three years old.”

My wife has taken it on herself to be the one that wakes up in the middle of the night for feeding (I’ve done so, sparingly, on weekends); but mostly, since I’m still working, she takes care of the feeding (although, it’s a misnomer to say I *don’t* get up – as he’s gotten older, his ‘cry’ has become far stronger … he might even be able to wake the deaf).

I’ve been able to keep most of my social commitments; but there has been expense (mainly the fact that our ‘fall cleaning’ has stalled out). Still, I’m a huge fan of structure – and I’m optimistic we’ll return to something like that (since we all need it).

Most importantly, however, today marks ONE MONTH since Nicolo was born. That is both amazing and humbling in my eyes. In only a month, I’d have a hard time envisioning a world without him (of course, I can easily envision a world where he sleeps through the night – that doesn’t make me a bad person, I hope)!